3 ways to let go expectations
let go expectations
Growing up, you probably had caregivers or teachers who encouraged optimism because they wanted you to explore possibilities and enjoy success. Maybe they assured you it’s possible to achieve anything you set your mind to.
As an adult, though, you’ve likely encountered the harsh truth that you can’t always achieve your dreams through sheer willpower.
Experts generally consider optimism a beneficial trait. It can improve your ability to cope with stressful situations and manage physical and emotional distress.
But it’s important to recognize that optimism doesn’t guarantee a positive outcome.
You can’t control every situation in life. When your expectations for yourself — or anyone else — fall in areas outside your control, you’ll probably end up facing some disappointment.
When do hope and optimism become unrealistic expectations? There’s no cut-and-dried answer, but looking at some common examples can offer some insight.
But first, let’s clarify what expectations are: They’re things you want to achieve or believe life will grant you.
Some of your hopes might reflect things you can absolutely achieve. For example, this would be a perfectly realistic expectation: “With good communication, my partner and I can work out most minor relationship conflicts.”
Other expectations, like the ones below, might be slightly less grounded in reality.
It’s a common belief that throwing yourself into something will yield positive results.
Maybe when you show up at work, you really show up. You come in early and stay late. You give 100 percent, volunteering to help coworkers and speaking up with new ideas.
And yet, someone with more seniority gets that promotion. When your annual review comes up, you get plenty of positive feedback but only a small salary bump.
Most people want to believe that effort pays off, and that’s understandable. Without this expectation, you might feel less motivated to try. But it just doesn’t always work out that way.
While effort can sometimes influence others, you ultimately can’t control anyone else’s choices or needs.
Some people hold the belief that as long as they’re kind, people will like them. Kindness goes a long way, and it’s safe to assume most people will have more positive regard for a kind person than an unkind one.
But plenty of factors also affect the way people feel about others, including:
- personality
- body language
- communication styles
So, someone could respect your kindness without actually liking you.
In life, you’ll meet plenty of people who have vastly different personalities. Maybe you’re that rare person who likes everyone you meet, but this tends to be more of an exception than a rule.
At the start of a new relationship, you might find yourself thinking “I’ve never felt this way before — I don’t see how we’d ever fight.” But it happens, even in the strongest, healthiest relationships.
You and your partner are two unique people, so you won’t always agree. If you have a few opposing viewpoints, spending a lot of time together can make these differences stand out even more clearly.
The good thing about conflict is that it’s an absolutely normal — even healthy — part of relationships. After all, disagreeing means you’re comfortable enough with each other to express your opinions and frustrations.
A more realistic expectation might focus on practicing good conflict resolution to address any major disagreements.
Expectations can certainly have some benefits.
Maybe you need certain things from your relationship, like increased intimacy or more spontaneous romance. You prioritize finding ways to discuss these (realistic) expectations with your partner, which strengthens your partnership.
With less realistic expectations, you might expend plenty of effort without seeing any progress. Failing to meet an expectation — winning the lottery, falling instantly in love with the person of your dreams — can set you up for frustration, self-judgment, and potentially even depression.
