How to Win Back the One You Love
If the man you love left of his own choosing then it is highly unlikely that you can win him back. At least you will not be able to return him to your life with the efforts of inner intention, that is, by taking any actions directly aimed at ‘getting him back’. This would include any attempt to directly influence the person in question. Even if you were to have some success, the person would not be the same. Only outer intention will win him back. With inner intention you try to influence the world directly in pursuit of your goals. Outer intention works in such a way that the world itself meets you half way. I can briefly explain how outer intention works. In relationships partners are guided by inner intention, i.e. they want to receive something from the other and if they do not get it they break off the relationship. Everyone has their own way of finding fulfilment in their relationships. They may need love, sex, respect, acknowledgement, approval of certain personal qualities, closeness, mutual understanding, escape from loneliness, fun etc. Might there be one common element that unites these different needs? This common element has always existed and it remains the protection and confirmation of individual self-worth. Whatever guiding principles inform a person’s actions all personal motives are linked with the feeling of self-worth. It is human nature. Inner intention in human relationships is always aimed at protecting and confirming one’s self-worth in one form or another. This is what the inner intention of your loved one is aimed at — on finding a partner that will fulfil their sense of self-worth. So what is your inner intention aimed at? Returning your loved on and in doing so, firstly restoring your own sense of self-worth and secondly, renewing a relationship which gave you a sense of fulfilment. Now ask yourself whether you can fulfil your partner’s need if you allow yourself to be guided by inner intention alone. If you wish to win your partner back you will have to give him the focus of his inner intention. Do not judge him for wanting to find confirmation of his worth in you, for you also wish to receive something from him. You may recall that the first principle of Frailing sounds: abandon the intention to receive, replace it with the intention of giving and you will receive the very thing you gave up. Abandon inner intention, whatever it is aimed at. Define the focus of your partner’s inner intention. Turn your aspirations towards fulfilling your partner’s intention. As soon as your actions are redirected towards fulfilling your partner’s needs your own inner intention will be transformed into outer intention. You will find that by adopting this approach you not only make your partner happy, but you receive from your partner everything you desired and more. If you can abandon the intention of receiving and replace it with the intention of giving you will instantly receive the thing you let go of. This principle works so effectively that it makes you feel as if some magic power were at play. This is real magic. No spells or love potions are required. Despite all we have said it is as difficult to return something that has been lost as it is to step twice into the same river. It is better to try and adhere to the principles of Frailing before the relationship starts to suffer. In any case, before you take any kind of action if I were in your shoes I would think very carefully about whether you really want to win this man back or whether what you really have is a burning desire to restore your lost (dumped by him) self-esteem. It is very painful to feel rejected or neglected, I know. But even if I knew all the details and circumstances of your relationship I would still be incapable of advising anything more specific. All I can do is give you the tool. How you choose to use it only you can decide. Do not forget that the layer of your world is your mirror. If you prefer to suffer this is what will happen. If you apply the principle of coordinating intention and evaluate the current circumstances as exclusively positive, this is also how things will be. You think that everything has gone wrong, but has it occurred to you that the split you’re your loved one might be saving you from as yet unseen problems? Tell yourself that everything is unfolding as it should for it is up to you whether you choose to delight or to suffer. If I was you I would take heart, jump for joy and clap my hands in delight. Let the mirror give you pleasure. “I have the same problem. The woman I love is leaving me — my wife (we were going out for three years and have been married for four). The main reason for the separation is my own financial insecurity. In many ways I am too soft, timid and overly cautious. My wife thinks that with my knowledge and experience I should create my own business because it is difficult when you have a gentle nature as I do to climb to the top of the career ladder. And building a career is not really the thing for a creative type. In some ways I agree with my wife. I tend to be too thorough always looking for additional information or ways of gaining more experience. Over the course of my career I have not worked at any one position for longer than two years (which has given me varied experience and knowledge in business). One of the strong points of my personality is that I am very receptive. This is also a disadvantage as it is a personality trait that makes it harder for me to build a career. My wife wants stability, reliability and children. These are my personal motivations too but I do not see them developing in the context of a career, so much as on the principle of designing a profitable system (business model). This requires knowledge and experience which have always been among my highest priorities. Three months ago my wife and I finally divorced and now my wife is renting a separate flat which her salary enables her to do. She is searching for herself but our relationship is becoming colder and she does not seem to want to see me. How can I win her back?” I cannot give you a specific recipe to solve your problems. I offer specific solutions only in cases where the situation is crystal clear. And yet even then my opinion is purely subjective and so fallible. If I do not know the answer to a problem I ask my intuition. If my intuition does not help I recommend applying one of the principles of Transurfing because I know that this will not do any harm. In this case, my intuition coincides with the principle according to which you must totally listen to the voice of your heart. Others would say that success lies in a good career, stability and a high-paying salary, but these things have no relation to our goals. Surely one cannot call one’s true path in life climbing up the career ladder? Careers, stability, high-paying salaries really are not goals in themselves. They are the accompanying attributes of goals. Your true goal is the thing that will turn your life into a celebration. You will never achieve anything by substituting a goal for an accompanying attribute. Attributes come of their own accord as a result of achieving the goal. For example, you receive all the benefits of life as a result of becoming a leading specialist in your field. It makes sense to strive for your goal and not for the benefits it will bring. It seems obvious. It is something anyone can understand but the paradox is that this notion rises up in a small flash in people’s awareness and is thereby eclipsed in the sticky gloss of attributes. People strive after attributes like moths to a light-bulb except that it does not get them anywhere. How can you achieve success if you work towards the goal’s attributes rather than the goal itself. This is where the myth comes from that great abundance is the pleasure of a chose few. Public opinion imposes its stereotypes but the image of the stereotype is solely taken from the visible end results whereas success comes in the process of moving towards the goal. The end results are always visible, whereas the process that tells the story of how the goal was achieved remains concealed in the shadows. As a result the stereotype is created: go after a career and good money, in other words “make straight for the light-bulb!” All people see is the gloss of stars already risen. There are few who turn their attention to the path that brought the star to the peaks of their success. All stars pass through a thick forest of setbacks and failure. Success only smiles on those who are convinced they walk their true path. Move towards your goal with indomitable spirit and remember: whatever happens, the alternatives flow unfolds in the direction it should. No-one can know when or how the goal will be achieved. If you walk in the footsteps of stereotypes you are certain to be successful but the level of your success will be mediocre and require immense effort. To achieve huge success you must define your goal and move towards it unfalteringly irrespective of what anyone else might try and tell you. There is no harm in taking other people’s advice into account but ultimately decision must be made with the heart. Only then will you stop beating your wings up against the light bulb like a moth in the dark. The appropriate decision is always born from unity of heart and mind. A categorically inappropriate decision is a decision that is based on a feeling of inner discomfort. If a decision causes you the slightest feeling of unease in your gut similar to feelings of obligation your heart is saying “no”. If on the other hand the decision you have made does not cause you any inner discomfort the heart is saying “yes” or “I do not know”. In this case your mind makes the final choice. If the decision is right for you the heart will sing and the mind will rub its hands in glee. On the other hand, if you cannot define your goal do not torment yourself with trying. It is not like you cannot live without a goal. Why not just live without striving towards something, if that is what you want. If this is the case then there is only one piece of advice I can give which is to move with the flow, and not just be carried along by the flow. In other words, you need to observe the principle of coordination and then life will take a calm, comfortable course. Your goal will no doubt reveal itself when you cease fitful attempts to find it. As far as your question goes concerning how to win back your wife I am afraid there is nothing I can advise you. The key phrase: “She is searching for herself but our relationship is becoming colder and she does not seem to want to see me” it is clear that the problem is not financial stability and the lack of it. If she does not love you it is impossible to win her back.